Houston, we have a swimsuit!

This is an oldie but goodie. Back before I stated blogging, I would periodically send out emails when entertaining stories arose. This is one of the best....enjoy!

Spring 2008

To all those women, who are desperately looking for the perfect swimsuit, I have the answers to all your prayers. Enter.....the greatest swimsuit ever made.

If you don't know by now, I've been on the hunt for a swimsuit for our upcoming trip to Florida. Actually, I don't know HOW you wouldn't know this, because I've complained to every woman I know about how pathetic the suit choices are these days. But, fear no more....I have the suit for you.

Let's start back in January. I begin talking to my friend Andrea about our upcoming trip. Of course, our main obsession is finding a swimsuit. Now, let's get one thing straight. I am NOT trying to look like Giselle. Heck, I'd settle for Marie Osmond....have you SEEN her lately...she's twice my age and HOT! The suit I'm looking for needs to fulfill the following:

1. Hold up "the girls".
Ladies, when you are a 34D, and have had 2 kids, your breasts now resemble crook neck squash. While delicious to eat, this is NOT a good look on the beach. Therefore, an under-wire is a must. You would THINK this would be easy to find (in a one-piece of course), but NOOOOOOOO! All the under-wire suits are bikinis made for teenagers who don't even NEED the under-wire, because their breasts are still perky. It's like watching all those anti-aging ads on TV with Jessica Alba. I mean, what the hell?

2. The rear of the suit must NOT expose the "biscuits".
If you don't know what biscuits are....please, allow me to share. This is the bottom of, well, YOUR BOTTOM. A BIG white bottom, hanging on the lower end of the suit is NOT flattering...or, necessary. Can't these manufacturers quit making one pieces that are an 6 on top and 2 on bottom? People please!

3. It must NOT be a halter.
With 34D boobs, a halter is only good for about 1 hour, then your neck begins to feel like it has a 40 lb. necklace made of two kids hanging from it. This leads to headaches, and a not so happy momma. And if momma ain't happy....well, you get the picture.

4. The design must not resemble an old lady, Hawaiian pattern in the following colors: purple, teal and black.
What is WITH these horrible prints. They think, well, she's buying a one-piece, she must be an ugly, fat, non-married, non-hip, non-stylish person. Let's find the ugliest print we can, and slap it on the fat girl suit. Ohhhhh joy.

So, those are my requirements. I'm not asking for a miracle, just a freaking swimsuit that I can play on the beach, and not have people yelling, "Shamu"!

Now, let's get to the meat of this letter. The suits.

Day 1

I trek off to Northpark to hit Swim-n-Sport and Nordstrom. I'm bound to find a suit here...or so I think.

Swim-n-Sport, entering the store....

Me: "Oh, hi, I'm looking for a one-piece"

Salesgirl (weighing in at 45 lbs): "Ohhhh we have tons"

Me: "Well, I need an under-wire"

Salesgirl: "Ummmm yeah, the only under-wires are in the two-pieces. (Looks me up and down) Sorry, guess you are out of luck.

I say nothing, walk out of the store, and into Corner Bakery for a lemon bar. Any problem in the world can be solved with a lemon bar.

Nordstrom, entering the swim section.....

Their a no sales women to be found. I'm actually glad for this after my last run in. I look through all the suits. All the one pieces are halters. Great, juuuust great. And, the halters are so low in the front, you can almost see what I used to call my bellybutton. I'm leaving. I think I need a lemon bar for the road......

Day 2

I get online to cyberswim.com This site claims to have the suits that "slim 10 lbs in 10 seconds". Perfect! I know I'll have luck.

Suit #1

The suit arrives in the mail. I rush to try it on. My mother is visiting. Jonathan has just arrived home from work. Mom is playing with the boys in their room, while I'm suiting up....or trying too. Jonathan walks in the bedroom just in time to see me wincing in the corner and screaming for someone to help my hoist the suit up. Mom comes around the corner, just as Jonathan has the suit around each hip, trying desperately to get the thing on. She may have wet her pants from laughing so hard. Now I know WHY they call this a miraclesuit. It's a MIRACLE if anyone can get the thing on.

Suit #2

The suit arrives from UPS....again. I'm sure this guy is wondering about me. Oh well. After reading more about the "miracle suit" online, I realized that you must order one size up from your normal size. I do this. I get the suit out of the box. Let's just say that by the time I got the thing on, I resembled a sausage about to be thrown on the fire. Mmmmmmm, this is SUCH a good look.

I'm now DONE with cyberswim. These people are Satan.

Suit #3

Andrea suggests I give Landsend a try. At this point, my choice is the sausage suit, or cut offs and a tank top, so I give it a whirl.

Wow, the website is great. Tons of suits, and UNDER-WIRE. Thank you God for landsend.com.

Suit #4

This suit arrives via UPS. The UPS man and I are now BFF's. I put, hoist, this suit on. NOT GOOD! I look like a fat member of the Olympic Swim Team. Go USA!

AUGHHHHHH!

Suit #5

UPS is here again. This time, I invite him in, we have a cup of coffee and compare pics of our kids. I thinking of having he and his wife over for dinner...since we are on a first name basis now. Suit #5 is an improvement, but doesn't meet requirement #1.....this suit causes my breasts to hang to my bellybutton. I'm hopeless.

Andrea suggests I give it ONE MORE TRY. After all, I don't think SanDestin likes cut-offs and wife beaters.

Enter Suit #6

As Paul, my UPS BFF arrives, I say a quick prayer and I'm off to the bedroom. Houston, we have a winner. This is the greatest suit I've ever owned. If you would like to own this suit, please click on the link below, and have a great day! I love you all!

http://www.landsend.com/pp/SolidSlenderConvertibleSwimDress~176297_593.html?bcc=y&action=order_more&sku_0=::BLA&CM_MERCH=IDX_00006__0000000651&origin=index

Mary Frances :)